Indians also hate Indian call centres

They started off as just about tolerable, but now, even as a tolerant, calm Indian, they are getting on my nerves.

I can excuse the fake John Smith, his manager who is also coincidentally named John Smith, both obviously having completely Indian accents (or futile attempts at American ones). I can be happy when pointing out the complete uselessness of the 'power saving device' they are trying to sell to me (obviously accompanied with completely unprofessional websites / emails / 'information leaflet' = Word file with one paragraph of nonsense in attempted English.)

But today, a lady calls me, and says in a totally Indian accent with added emphasis, "how are you GENTLEMAN". WTF?! This is letting our country down!

The X = X + 1 syndrome

(This content is not original content and credit goes to the anonymous person who wrote it. Although it talks of IIT-ians, I believe it can also be generally applied to Indians abroad!)

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When an Indian professional becomes a 'Non-Resident Indian' in the United States, he soon starts suffering from a strange disease. The symptoms are a fixture of restlessness, anxiety, hope and nostalgia. The virus is a deep inner need to get back home. Like Shakespeare said, "The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak." The medical world has not coined a word for this malady. Strange as it is, it could go by a stranger name, the "X + 1" syndrome.

To understand this disease better, consider the background. Typically middle-class, the would be migrant's sole ambition through school is to secure admission into one of those heavily government subsidised institutions - the IITs. With the full backing of a doting family and a good deal of effort, he achieves his goal. Looking for fresh worlds to conquer, his sights rest on the new world. Like lemmings to the sea, hordes of IIT graduates descend on the four US consulates to seek the holiest of holy grails - the F-1 (student) stamp on the passport. After crossing the visa hurdle and tearful farewell, our hero departs for the Mecca of higher learning, promising himself and his family that he will return some day - soon! The family proudly informs their relatives of each milestone - his G.P.A., his first car (twenty years old), his trip to Niagara Falls (photographs), his first winter (parkas, gloves). The two years roll by and he graduates at the top of his class. Now begins the 'great hunt' for a company that will not only give him a job but also sponsor him for that 3" X 3" grey plastic, otherwise known as the Green Card. A US company sensing a good bargain offers him a job. Naturally, with all the excitement of seeing his first pay check in four digit dollars, thoughts of returning to India are far away. His immediate objective of getting the Green Card is reached within a year.

Meanwhile, his family back home worry about the strange American influences (and more particularly, AIDS). Through contacts they line up a list of eligible girls from eligible families and wait for the great one's first trip home. Return he does, at the first available opportunity, with gifts for the family and mouth-watering tales of prosperity beyond imagination. After interviewing the girls, he picks the most likely (lucky) one to be Americanised. Since the major reason for the alliance is his long-term stay abroad, the question of his immediate return does not arise. Any doubts are set aside by the 'backwardness' of working life, long train travel, lack of phones, inadequate opportunities for someone with hi-tech qualifications, and so on. The newly-weds return to America with the groom having to explain the system of arranged marriages to the Americans. Most of them regard it as barbaric and on the same lines as communism. The tongue-tied bride is cajoled into explaining the bindi and saree. Looking for something homely, the couple plunges into the frenetic expatriate week-end social scene compromising dinners, videos of Hindi/regional films, shopping at Indian stores, and bhajans. Initially, the wife misses the warmth of her family, but the presence of washing machines, vacuum cleaners, daytime soap operas and the absence of a domineering mother-in-law helps. Bits of news filtering through from India, mostly from returning Indians, is eagerly lapped up.

In discussions with friends, the topic of returning to India arises frequently but is brushed aside by the lord and master who is now rising in the corporate world and has fast moved into a two garage home - thus fulfilling the great American Dream. The impending arrival of the first born fulfils the great Indian Dream. The mother-in-law arrives in time: after all, no right thinking parent would want their off-spring to be born in India if offered the American alternative. With all material comforts that money can bring, begins the first signs of un-easiness - a feeling that somehow things are not what they should be. The craze for exotic electronic goods, cars and vacations have been satiated. The week-end gatherings are becoming routine.

Faced with a mid-life crisis, the upwardly mobile Indian's career graph plateaus out. Younger and more aggressive Americans are promoted. With one of the periodic mini recessions in the economy and the threat of a hostile take-over, the job itself seems far from secure. Unable or unwilling to socialize with the Americans, the Indian retreats into a cocoon. At the home front,the children have grown up and along with American accents have imbibed American habits (cartoons, hamburgers) and values (dating). They respond to their parents' exhortation of leading a clean Indian way of life by asking endless questions.

The generation gap combines with the cultural chasm. Not surprisingly, the first serious thoughts of returning to India occur at this stage. Taking advantage of his vacation time, the Indian returns home to 'explore' possibilities. Ignoring the underpaid and bureaucratic government sector, he is bewildered by the 'primitive' state of the private sector. Clearly overqualified even to be a managing director/chairman he stumbles upon the idea of being an entrepreneur. In the seventies, his search for an arena to display his business skills normally ended in poultry farming. In the eighties, electronics is the name of the game. Undaunted by horror stories about government red tape and corruption he is determined to overcome the odds - with one catch. He has a few things to settle in the United States. After all, you can't just throw away a lifetime's work. And there are things like taxation and customs regulations to be taken note of. Pressed for a firm date, he says confidently 'next year' and therein lies our story. The next years come and go but there is no sign of our McCarthian friend. In other words if 'X' is the current year, then the objective is to return in the 'X + 1' year. Since 'X' is a changing variable, the objective is never reached. Unable to truly melt in the 'Great Melting Pot', chained to his cultural moorings and haunted by an abject fear of giving up an accustomed standard of living, the Non-Resident Indian vacillates and oscillates between two worlds in a twilight zone. Strangely, this malady appears to affect only the Indians - all of our Asian brethren from Japan, Korea and even Pakistan - seem immune to it.

Down with Indian political leaders (literally!)

Conspiracy or not, these are just way too much fun to watch!

BONUS:

 

Oh and apologies for lack of proper blog posts recently; my exams are going on.

Future Prime Minister ? – Part 2

Future Prime Minister?

Biodiversity in Indian homes

The spring is here and I open my windows to let in some fresh air, reminiscing of running fans at high speed and noisy coolers. A fly has finds its way through the open windows in to my flat and now I’m trying to get rid of it. But I stop and realise that had I been in India, I would have stayed comfortably seated on my sofa.

In fact, now that I think of it, I can recall seeing all sorts of non-domesticated biodiversity in Indian houses: ants, cockroaches, lizards, flies, moths, worms, spiders, rats, mice, cats, dogs, cows, frogs, snakes, monkeys, birds and even bats! Anything I missed out?

Oh and of course, the exciting food chain demonstrations, if you know what I mean.

Pseudo-secularism

Its election time, and once again, I’m disappointed, like millions of other Indian citizens.

I could write at length, analyse to the last bit, but all the mainstream media to do that quite well, so I’m just going to provide my view on one tiny aspect: ‘pseudo-secularism’.

Its a term used by many a BJP supporters. They use to mean that the ‘secularism’ displayed by their rival parties is half-hearted, and that the bottom line is that these parties are playing vote bank politics. The implication is that the BJP is not so. This is where they lose me.

How can a bunch of people who openly demolish places of worship (Babri mosque), fuel riots (Gujarat), among several other heinous crimes, go around calling themselves secular? Its an ulta chor kotwal ko daate!!

To BJP and supporters: Seriously, your actions make you the real pseudo-secularists !!! India is and has been a diverse society for ages. This is the truth. Satyamev Jayate.

The (poor and helpless) international student’s guide to living in London

So, if you find yourself in a situation where you don’t have filthy rich parents to support you financially (but who have lovingly spent their entire life savings to just about meet your enormous international students’ fees), have no scholarship because a) you’re not eligible, b) there aren’t any, but still wish to study at a prestigious university, you are not the only one (but you are a damn rarity).

From experience, here are things you could do to get by:

1. EARNING IT: Don’t be a loser, get a part time job (or internship). Interferes with study? Then you probably don’t deserve to go to that top university anyway. People who do deserve to go there will find out other ways of getting money like:

• ‘Hardship funds’
• Multiple part-time jobs
• Easy scholarships which are minor compared to your fees but don’t need much work to get
• Manipulating your situation to get any of the above (note: this does not mean lying)

2. SAVING IT: Cost-cutting should be in your blood. And I mean real cost-cutting, not ooh-look-at-that-offer. For the duration of your studies:

• Replace all your food brands with Sainsbury’s basics. No to kellogs, colgate, yes to 40p cornflakes and 12p toothpaste. Eat at home as much as possible, cook everything yourself rather than getting take away or ready to eat meals (unless cheaper). Use the savings to take your girlfriend to a nice dinner.
• Cycling should be the first choice of mode of transport. If the distance is too far, take the bus. Yes it will take longer than the tube, and time is money, but at least you’ll be able to spend that time with enough space, air and light to enjoy a book. At the end of the studies, sell the bike and get your money back.
• Minimise the need for transport by staying close to your place of work. Cheaper places further away might not work out if the cost of transport makes up for the savings.
• Stay in a long-term stay hostel, not a flat. IF you can bear occasionally having your food stolen, hardly any privacy, hardly any space, sharing rooms with multiple people whom you have never met before and some of who may have alternative sexual orientation, dirty toilets, broken showers, corridors full of smoke and smells, bedbugs, and disturbed sleep. Make friends with the people who clean the place, and as hard as it may be, the random people you share your room with. Keep your toothbrush safe; share your food.
• If you’re paying for the heating, turn it off, wear sweatshirts and socks.

3. SPENDING IT: Its possible to have the same life as everyone else, as long as you’re street smart.

• Get a student discount everywhere you go.
• Negotiate and bargain as you would in the des. You’d be surprised how often it works.
• Go to the cinema every week, but only on Orange wednesdays.
• Only buy new clothes / shoes / stuff in post Xmas or early summer sales.

The bottom line: Have a happy student life!

Better than the West

India chose to have a diplomatic offensive over military action against Pakistan in response to the Mumbai attacks in November. Did it do so out of choice or having no choice?

Manmohan Singh rightly said that military action would achieve nothing constructive. If India wanted, it could have attacked the terrorist training camps in Pakistan territory. But any such action would surely result in retaliation by Pakistan's military, may be resulting in all-out war, Kargil style, and in the longer term, more terrorist attacks.

Yet if an equivalent number of people had died in a terrorist attack in the US, UK or Israel, military action would be inevitable. The mess created by that is visible in Paletine, Iraq and Afghanistan. What India has done shows restraint, wisdom, and regard to the long term.

So all of you who say India is weak, shut up.